Trailer Park Rats

Like many of you I have family members who live a completely different life. Some of my family are more wealthy, some are less wealthy. Some live in the suburbs of large metropolitan cities, some live midtown or downtown metropolitan cities, and some live a bit farther out attempting to escape the urban sprawl, and some live yet farther out still in small towns that make up the heartbeat of this great nation. Each member of my extended family is unique and precious to me. I see bits of my crazy soul in all of them.

So let me take you on a childhood journey a little out of your comfort zone and zip code to visit some of my family. As a child, every year we would travel from our home in Georgia to visit my grandparents in Paris during the summer. The car ride was about 13 hours..... oh wait... I meant Paris Texas. While I hated the car ride in our old green and wood paneled station wagon, I LOVED visiting my family in Texas. For me as a child, even at the tender age of 7, Paris was a wonderland of country roads, farms, wide open spaces and the home of my two favorite cousins - together we made up the Musketeers.

We were all the same age and we dubbed ourselves the three musketeers. These two were so much fun! I got to do crazy things that I never got to do at home like shoot bb guns, play on old clunky pontoon boat in my grandmother's backyard and go to the skating rink where they sold dill pickle juice for 10 cents. I was in heaven every time I went and yes, I did like the pickle juice. The three of us were inseparable. Every evening was an argument over who's house we'd spend the night at. Of course I was staying at Grandma's house and in the ever present tug-of-war to get away from my parents I always voted to stay with one of them.

They would be on the phone with my dad's siblings while I begged too. "Please can I go spend the night with Musketeer 1 or Musketeer 2? Please!" My mom, ever patient, would say, "Lets wait and see what your aunts say." Once we knew our options the musketeers would reconvene secretly in the back yard to plan our assault on our parents. There was a down side to any choice we made. We all had a sibling about four years our senior. They were not musketeers and did not want to hang out with each other so one of them would be where ever we slept. M2 has an older sister who either left us alone or bugged us to death wanting to make our three musketeers into four. M1 had an older brother who pretty much left us alone. My older brother would either ignore us or pick on us. Our options clearly indicated M1's house. His mom was the best cook of the bunch too after all we had to think about breakfast! (My grandmother's cooking is another story too).

So more often than not we spent the night at M1's house or at Grandma's but we never ended up at M2's. Well there came a day when M1 had something to do at home and our trio was down to a duo. M2 and I had a blast of course and in the evening when it was time to pick where to stay M2 and I begged to go to her house as I'd never been there. I was excited about a "girls" night with M2 and her sister. My mom agreed with a worried look on her face. I was too excited at the time to notice.

So mom packed up my things and M2 and I loaded ourselves into our station wagon with Dad at the helm. We drove through town and turned off down a bumpy dirt road. The farther we drove the more my apprehension grew. I wasn't going to back out though, it had been a hard won battle with my mom to stay with M2.

We parked in front of a small, time-worn trailer. The cinder block steps leading to the door wobbled a bit as M2 marched up and opened the door. I stood by the car wondering if I was brave enough to sleep in an old trailer in the middle of a field. My Dad gave me a hug and a look that said "are you sure?" but he didn't say it out loud. I nodded my head in response and followed my friend up the wobbly blocks, took a deep breath and let myself in. If M2could do it every night then I could do it for one night. I was a musketeer after all, and I'd heard my dad drive away.

The inside was well lit which might not have been a good thing. A small trailer with three girls, who apparently weren't expecting company, was a sight to behold. As I surveyed almost the entire trailer from the small square of laminate by the door I wondered how things had gotten this messy. My Aunt smiled at me from the kitchen end of the trailer and my fears, doubts, and the mess were erased from my mind. She was like a ray of sunshine with her bright smile.

M2 tugged at my hand saying, "Let me show you my room." The only thing I remember clearly from M2's room was her twin bed and the TV on a rickety little cart across from her bed. M2's mom did something with my bag and M2 pulled me on to the twin bed. "Lets watch a scary movie and stay up all night!" She was excited as I'd been about an hour before. As she was holding up movies and choosing the perfect one my Aunt came back in with a tray of popcorn and soda. She set them down on the bed and said sternly to M2, "Remember! These go back to the kitchen before you got to bed!" M2 absently waved at her mom and popped in a movie.

I surveyed the room while the opening music pumped a creepy song through the room. "Where am I going to sleep?" I asked looking at the thread bare carpet. "Oh," said M2, "We are both going to sleep on my bed." I glanced at the twin mattress and as much as I loved my cousin I did not want to share a twin bed with her. "Don't you have some blankets or a sleeping bag?" If I was wrapped tightly enough I could sleep on the floor. "I can sleep on the floor." She was focused on the movie now with it's opening scene that would surely make us scream. She casually and absently answered me like she'd absently waved her mother off, "Oh you can't sleep on the floor. The rats come out at night."

DADDY!!!!! My stomach did a flip and I thought I might lose the popcorn and soda. RATS? Seriously! She'd said it so calmly like it was a natural fact of life. Flashes of my mom's concerned face flooded my mind. My mom must have known and been worried that I'd be eaten by rats in my sleep! I'd heard a story of rats eating the toes off of babies once and I sincerely wished that I was back at my grandma's house sharing a room with my mean brother and eating my grandmother's cowboy food.

I calmed myself, rubbing my toes, not willing to admit defeat and call my dad to come and get me, I tried to relax sitting on the bed with M2 who was now completely engrossed in the horror film. Who wanted to watch a horror film when I was in one!?

Gradually as the movie rolled on without me watching I began to relax. M2 and her mom were fine with all their fingers and toes as far as I knew. If nothing bad happened to them living here, surely nothing bad could come from my sleeping here one night. Right?

The movie was almost over and M2 was snoring softly still holding the popcorn bowl with a couple handfuls still in the bottom of the bowl. I looked at the TV across the tiny room on its cart with the VCR on the rickety shelf under the TV. I was drifting to sleep myself and wondering if I should turn off the VCR and TV when I saw the little pink nose and whiskers appear in the space between the VCR and TV.

With a good bit of force I shoved M2 attempting to wake her up. She jolted awake, knocking the popcorn bowl and last cup of popcorn on to the floor and it spilled everywhere. "There's a rat by the TV." I said quietly hoping the rat wouldn't notice me. She rubbed her eyes and nodded, "They come out at night. Just go to sleep." and she switched off the light and got comfortable on her half of the bed. No way was I going to be able to sleep! There was popcorn all over the floor! My mom worried about ants when we left food out.... this was like a beacon calling all varmints to the floor by the bed I was sleeping in!

I shoved her again, "Hey shouldn't we pick up that popcorn? Your mom told us to take it back to the kitchen." Yes, take the rat food to another room! She just grunted and said, "I'm not doing it." and fell back asleep.

I was left with a real, life-threatening (or toe threatening) dilemma. Do I leave the perceived safety of the bed and pick up the popcorn in the dark hoping I didn't grab a rat or do I stay here, under the covers and hope dawn comes soon? I did what most 7-year-olds would do. No I didn't cry, but I wanted to. Instead I stayed exactly where I was under the covers snuggled up to the only other human in the crowded room and prayed for sleep to come.

Sleep was just seconds away when I heard a soft munching. In the dark my imagination ran wild. I could hear soft little bodies moving through holes in the wall. I could hear hundreds of small teeth-filled mouths chomping away on popcorn. I wished that M2 snored like my brother, it might have drowned out the real and imagined sounds of the rat feast going on just feet away. There would be rest tonight.... and maybe no more toes. I pulled myself into a tight ball and held my toes. I hoped the popcorn would fill them up and that they wouldn't want my toes. I tried to tell myself they were like her pets... they liked her and wouldn't bother her or her friends. But munching and sounds of nocturnal rodents continued either real or in my imagination. Either way it was terrifying.

Needless to say it was a very long night in which I got only snatches of dozed slumber. I remember the grey pale light of dawn lighting the sky outside the window like a saving angel. As soon as light allowed I peered over the edge or the bed, sure I was going to see swarms of rats or their little footprints like in cartoons showing everywhere they'd been. Nothing. There were no rats, no little footprints .... and no popcorn. I shuddered and woke up M2. "I'm hungry." I lied hoping that would rouse her out of bed. I certainly didn't want to be the first one to put my feet on the floor.

M2 slowly woke up and said, "Man I missed the end of the horror movie. How'd it end." I glanced up at the rolling TV screen that I'd not switched off and replied, "The heroine lived." She looked at me funny then got out of bed and left the room for the bathroom. Well nothing bad happened to her when she put her feet on the floor so I got up and dressed quickly. I refused a shower and breakfast, as my only goal was to go back to Grandma's. I told my aunt I didn't feel well and since I obviously didn't look well, she called my dad to come pick me up. I decided to wait for him outside. I was safe and asleep in the car before we made it back to Grandma's.

I'd survived the rats with all my fingers and toes and though I love M2 and her mom I vowed never to spend the night with her again.

Pay Toilets

Who really knows how powerful the flow of water through a toilet can be? A friend of mine recently had a funny experience with a public toilet.

The University of Nebraska in Omaha has, like all colleges, ID cards. These ID cards are used to purchase things around campus from bookstore items to parking and food. Even the vending machines, copiers and printers in the library take these convenient ID cards. Because they are so handy and useful around campus many of us carry them in a pocket so we don't have to dig through our bags to whip it out every few minutes. My friend, like myself, carries hers in the back pocket of her jeans. Normally this is a safe, easy to access location. Normally.

After hours of studying and downing coffee in order to get that last assignment finished just before class it is inevitable that nature will call. My friend took a break from the latest Molecular Biology assignment to answer that call.

In the process of dropping her jeans while poised just right over the porcelain throne her ID card, unexpectedly wiggled halfway out of her pocket. It is not until she is standing and pulling up her jeans in one swift motion that she hears an unexpected "plop" and splash of water.

Like any woman in a strange toilet who's heard stories of "creatures" coming up through the plumbing she quickly turns, backing into the door of the stall. Her mind calms as she realizes she's three stories up in a large building. Convinced that it wasn't a creature she peers into the toilet. Her face is there, smiling up at her through the lemonade colored water. Her ID card has gone for a swim.

It would be quite a hassle to lose the ID card yet no one in their right mind would reach into the bowl and retrieve it now. Perhaps if the water were "clean". She decides to flush and await cleaner waters before retrieving the card and thoroughly washing with soap.

She takes a breath and flushes. Her jaw drops in astonishment as her smiling face is whisked away down the hole she would have sworn wasn't big enough. In a daze of amazement she returns to her papers sitting across from me and says, "Apparently the toilets are pay toilets now." After telling me the story I remarked that I hope she didn't get charged each time someone flushed.

So would it have been worth it to brave the "dirty" water to retrieve the card? I didn't ask because honestly I would have been reluctant to retrieve it from "clean" water at my home not to mention a public toilet. I didn't want to know her answer.

I Didn't Mean to Say Yes!

"I didn't mean to say yes!" I said hotly to my exhausted roommate, soul mate, and best friend, Kim.

It was around 10:00 p.m. on a Friday night in a small college town. Kim had just walked in the door from a long afternoon and evening of waiting tables and was ready to call it a night. When she'd come home I'd been nervous and my stomach was rolling with dread of what was to come. She'd come home early and I expected her to be a good best friend and save me from a terrible mistake. She was not thrilled with the idea and was staunchly refusing.

"I can't believe you said yes!" She was getting irritated with my persistence.

"He never said it was a date! We are meeting his friends at a coffee shop! Which means I can bring a friend too! His is exact words were, 'hey, wanna go hang out at the coffee shop, some of my friends will be there.'" Even though it is obvious now, it never occurred to me to call him and back out, to make up some lame excuse like washing my hair. I was a freshman in college and in the grand tradition of meeting people and making "life-long" friends it was important to go places and meet people. Why would he want to date me anyway... I was certain I wasn't his type... after all I did shave my legs and eat meat products.

So I didn't think twice when this acquaintance, Matt, called up and invited me to come hang out with him and some friends at a coffee shop on Main Street. Matt was pedantically unique. He was the artsy guy who may have been brilliant but looked homeless. If you've ever been on any college campus you know the type. He was tall and skinny with dark hair and enough whiskers to make his face look as dirty as his clothes and worn out Birkenstocks. You couldn't quite tell if he was witty and high or just slow, which only made him more curious to me, a sheltered girl from the burbs. Of course he didn't have a car and it was a bit chilly for his bicycle, so I'd be driving. This was a plus because I could leave when ever I wanted; gave me some control if things got granola weird.

The nausea and despair began minutes after I hung up the phone. The very last thing he said was, "I'll shower and be over in about half an hour."

Shower! Oh NO! He was going to shower! That had to be reserved for special occasions... I mean you could smell this guy coming! That's when it dawned on me he must think this was a date! My agony about what to do lasted for about 20 minutes. Then arrives Kim, my savior and the ensuing argument.

"No! I'm not going on your date with you!" Kim rarely fought me on anything so this was harder than I thought.

"Please! It isn't a date! He said we were going to hang with some of his friends!" I began to beg. "Please! You won't be the third wheel, there will be lots of people there! I'll owe you big! Huge!"

Kim eyed me and finally gave in, "Fine I'll go, but you owe me big time. I can't believe you are doing this to me." Her shoulders sagged.

"Oh thank you, thank you, thank you! You are the best friend ever!" I was so pleased. Now all I had to do was look innocent when I announced that Kim would be going with us.

While Kim was changing I picked up an awesome Eddie Bauer pullover of hers that I'd coveted all semester and she sometimes let me borrow. She returned from the restroom with Matt in tow as she'd run into him in the hallway. As they enter I asked Kim, "Can I borrow your pullover?"

Matt looked from me to Kim and then back to me. He held up a dark red thin wool sweater that looked fairly clean and announced, "I brought this for you to wear." The awkward silence was palpable. "Oh. No thank you." I said quickly and pulled on the jacket before Kim could answer. Standing behind Matt, Kim rolled her eyes and gave me a dirty look.

"Mmm, since we are meeting some of your friends I invited her to come along." Now it was Matt who gave me a dirty look and eyed the pullover as if it were offensive. I smiled in return wishing I'd just drop dead and be done with this whole awful situation. "Well, lets go!" I said wanting the night to be over as quickly as possible.

Now, you have to understand my situation. Just about everywhere we went together, Kim drove. It was habit and six little habitual words flowed from my mouth before I realized what I was saying. "Kim, do you have your keys?" Her eyes narrowed and if looks could kill, I'd have been put out of my misery.... in fact, all three of us would have been relieved if I'd just keeled over.

I didn't drop dead but the big nasty boulder was rolling down the proverbial hill now with no way to stop it. So the three of us, me wearing Kim's jacket, Matt carring an extra sweater and Kim jingling her keys, all walked down to the parking lot from the dorm. And then I made things worse.

Again, not thinking and acting out of courtesy, I deferred the front seat to the taller person and followed Kim to the diver's side back door. It wouldn't have been too bad if Matt had been thinking the same thing.... but no.... to my horror and humiliation he got in the back seat too. Now Kim was really pissed off, Matt was marginally placated with the new turn of events, and I'd have beat my brains out if there was anything but Matt's dirty sweater in the back seat with us.

If you are wondering if the night could get any worse, let me amaze you. If you are a sympathetic creature who is already writhing in my humiliation, or feeling so awkward you wish YOU could hide.. I must warn you to stop here. It does in fact get much worse.

By this time Kim has started the car and slammed it into gear. We are off and headed for the coffee shop. She wasn't sure which one so she got short clipped directions from Matt. That was all that was said in the 15 minute car ride. She kept her eyes on the road not looking back at us. I was leaning as far into my door as possible. I wanted to get to the coffee shop as soon as possible so that we could dilute this foul tension that was continuing to grow.

We finally arrived at a greasy, run-down, dirty little shop reminiscent of Matt himself. Here's where it gets worse... the place was empty except for us. Kim was about to murder me and Matt was looking a bit dejected. She went and sat down at a rickety table with a worn chess board on it. Not knowing how to play chess left Kim and Matt playing a "friendly" game while I looked on. The silence was worse than the tension and I didn' t know what to say. I felt I had to vindicate myself somehow so I asked, "Matt, where are your friends? Did we get the right place?" He rolled his eyes and assured me we were in the right place. I figured if I kept playing dumb my last brain cell might actually die and this terrible night would be over. But it only got worse.

Kim came to the rescue, but not by stabbing me with a chess piece and putting us all out of our misery as I'd hoped she would. "Well, looks like they're not coming, lets get out of here." I jumped to my feet at her suggestion and we all head to the car. I didn't make the mistake of heading for the back seat again and took the front seat. I gave a weak smile and they both looked annoyed.

Matt, never giving up hope, suggested he show us a cool little place with a nice view of the town. So off we drove again taking directions from Matt. As we made numerous turns and twists just outside of town, Kim looked at me with agitation in her eyes again and said, "I think I know where this goes...... up to the cemetery on top of the hill right?" Matt didn't respond but kept giving directions.

Sure enough we ended up at the gates of the local cemetery. Now, it was on top of a hill overlooking the city and on any given day when the gates were open it might afford a good view, but it was dark and the gates were locked.

Kim sounded incredulous, "I'm not climbing a fence into a grave yard at night! That's it! we're going home." Matt began to protest but thought better of it when she whipped the car around slinging him around in the backseat. On the ride home Matt looked bummed, I was humiliated into abject silence and Kim was furious. I knew she was going to rightfully verbally abuse me the moment Matt was dropped off at his dorm. I'd wished all evening for this to be over and now I dreaded going home with Kim.

Once Matt was out of the car the verbal abuse came out flying. I was stunned to hear her abusing Matt and not me. "What kind of pervert brings a sweater for a girl to wear on the FIRST DATE that he lied in order to get! Like some dog collar, like he was claiming you or something. JERK!" She was yelling so loud and fast I almost didn't catch it all. "What kind of pervert takes a girl to a cemetery in the middle of the night!" I was amazed, jaw hanging open. Then it was my turn.

"And you!" She turned on me as she parked the car in our lot. "Something could have happened to you! You don't just go out with people you hardly know to meet 'friends' of theirs you don't even know!" She was shaking with rage but not because of what I'd put her through, but at what might have happened. Her justified anger and comments only sliced me to threads. It almost would have been better to face her anger than her love.

To this day she has never let me live it down, nor should she. But I learned more about my best friend that night than in all our four years living together. I'm proud to say she is still my best friend and still right there with me through the good, the bad, and the stupid things I do.

Love you Kim

P.S. Matt never talked to me again and Kim gave me that Eddie Bauer pullover after graduation. I still have it and wear it occasionally when I need a reminder of the comfort and love of my friend.