Bikini or not to Bikini

If you've ever been to the beach you know the ratio of bikinis to hot babes is way out of proportion. More often than not you see chicks in bikinis that probably shouldn't be wearing one but at the same time it isn't obscenely gross either. You walk away saying, "What was she thinking?" Well here is your answer.

So why do these average, soft around the middle types wear string bikinis at the beach? I can tell you because believe it or not... I've done it. Please don't cringe... I'm not sure I'll ever do it again; but there is a reason I joined the ranks of those I'd criticized in my slimmer days.

Any girl can tell you that when you're not fat but don't have a hard, slim well-defined body bathing suits are especially cruel. I began my search for a swim suit to wear in Hawaii; and yes, I knew it was coming and like any typical girl I went and got a gym membership. The problem was that the gym only helped marginally - there is only so much you can do in three months without drugs and starvation (neither of which I'm willing to do) while working full time.

So the search is on; at first I exclusively tried on one-piece suits..... after all I knew how soft and wobbly my belly was. Now I know swim suits have to be tight so they don't get pulled off by the waves but seriously! Every suit I tried on that fit the leg holes and straps around the back and arms were always tight. So tight that the one piece suits actually created fat rolls in my back, gave me four butt cheeks and bulges just above the straps near my arm pits... eww gross! Now I know some of you are thinking, "Just get a bigger size." Well I tried that. I'm short and in the world of one piece suits bigger also means taller.... so I end up with a suit that doesn't bulge but has straps that reach my ears or a crotch that reaches my knees. What's a short, wobbly girl to do?

So now I've gone from having somewhat of a nice shape to rolls, bulges, and multiple cheeks that hadn't been there before. After days of shopping and a myriad of complains, a girlfriend of mine threw a blue polka-dot string bikini into the dressing room. "Just put it on!" she said. So I did.

I was amazed! No, I didn't look fabulous, but all the rolls and bulges were gone and I was back to my standard two butt cheeks. Not only were the bulges gone but it wasn't tight and the circulation to my legs was flowing normally. As I stared into the mirror I realized the problem. My tummy wasn't too attractive.... and I was looking at someone I would have thought shouldn't be in a bikini.

My choice was either a tight, uncomfortable one-piece that created unsightly bulges or a two piece that was comfortable but might have people shaking their heads at me saying, "What was she thinking?" Remembering the black one-piece at home that Love Of My Life referred to as the "baby seal" suit I made up my mind to buy the silly polka-dot bikini.

My first day in Hawaii I was too self-conscious to put it on... so off I went in my blue and white, full-coverage, vertical-stripe one-piece with the bulges and rolls. After being on the beach for a day I realize that I looked about like all those other not-ugly but not-pretty girls out there and I could handle that if it meant comfort.

So there you have it... those girls aren't attempting to say their mushy tummies and soft thighs are the next hottest thing.... bikinis are just more comfortable at least physically... it takes some mental courage to wear them and thus those girls should be applauded. I'm a little older now and a bit more squishy and I've discovered tankinis... perfect solution to cover the belly wobble... so you'll not see me in a bikini again (at least I say that now but comfort will rule out in the end!)

My Best

Ok... so all of you who are checking out the blog for the first time,

Please go read "Bats and Vampires in the Night" from August 8... it was the strange but true tale that got me started blogging... and just don't think they've been as good since.

Also, feel free to say hello... sometimes I wonder if anyone reads this except for my mother who always leaves messages... making me feel all warm inside (but that could be because she's my mom)... lol.

Christmas Vacation - The Last Leg / The Last Straw

December 24:

We woke up early that morning and caught the shuttle to the air port in the gently falling snow. Love of My Life was nervous and so was my stomach. Once in the airport Love Of My Life watched the weather and the flight information boards while I searched for Dramamine and Rolaids.

At the gate I sat munching Rolaids and reading while Love Of My Life paced by the wall of widows watching the snow fall. I could tell he was making observations and calculations about if we were going to board the plane at all. Not that the air line wouldn't fly... but we might not. Two hours rolled by and it was now 9:30 and we were still waiting on our plane to arrive from DC. I was nervous we'd spend another day in the airport... Love Of My Life was nervous the plane would take off in unsafe conditions.

We were both relieved when our plane arrived, the snow let up and the airport crew did a great job plowing the run way. Another hour later we finally boarded yet another tiny plane. The ride was bumpy but not as bad as the day before. Whether it was the Dramamine or calmer skies I couldn't tell you. I was just happy to still be in possession of my breakfast by the time we landed in Metropolis around lunch time.

Tired, hungry and happy to be home I embarked on a wonderful Christmas vacation with my mom, her two sisters, my brother and his family and in-laws and many more. It was a great Christmas. Everything was what it promised to be and I could not have been more at peace and content until the night before our flight home.

We'd packed up our presents and laid out our clothes to get up early and head to the airport. Finally in bed at 10:00 I realized I'd forgotten to go on-line and check in to print our boarding passes. I slipped out of bed and went to take care of this last detail so I could sleep. I logged onto the computer in the quite of the house and entered all the necessary information to pull up my flight itinerary.

Something had to be wrong. The bright screen said it could not find any reservations for me or my husband. Frustrated and logged off and logged in again three times knowing for sure there must be something wrong with my mother's internet connection. I search our original flight number that left Po-Dunk and pulled up our itinerary.

My heart began to pound and my mouth went dry as I realized we were no longer booked on any flight leaving Metropolis going back to Po-Dunk. We were no longer booked anywhere.... according to the airline website we'd completed our trip. Near tears and full of anger I scribbled down the 800 number and marched back to my room, phone in hand. I explained to Love Of My Life that when they re-booked us in Milwaukee they must have cancelled our return trip and gave him the phone.

I didn't even have the stomach to sit and listen to the argument that ensued so I left to fix myself some hot tea. Several minutes later I hear him march to the office and log onto the computer. "No, you'll stay on the phone with me until I've printed the boarding passes." was all I heard. Well at least we were going somewhere. It was one of those evenings I wished I could hang up adult hood and move back in with my mother.

Much to my relief Love Of My Life worked everything out and we were scheduled for our original trip out the next morning. And... fortunately for me, unfortunately for you.... there is nothing more to tell. The flight home was pretty smooth with no delays. Work began again and life moves on... but we'll never fly MidWest Airlines again.

Christmas Vaction - The First Leg

As so many people do, I look forward with great excitement to Christmas. My memories of Christmas time are beautiful memories of cut-out cookies, the smell of fresh cut pine, warm meals and cool crisp days. Even in my teens Christmas was magical and my mother somehow single-handily filled our home with love, joy and ... people. People who had nowhere to go were always welcome at our house. It seems over the years we all brought random guests to our home to include them and share our food and merriment. My mom had other single friends, my brother even brought home an exchange student from school one year and I managed to find every helpless stray teen boy who was struggling with his own family. So growing up our house was always full of people... and I'll never forget the meaning of Christmas is to share and to love... everyone. It never mattered that we'd never met this kid from Japan who was going to show up from college with my brother or that the guys from the VA were a little worn and ragged ... all were welcome.

While this is important to my story; I digress. This is just to illustrate why I have an overwhelming longing to return home for Christmas every year; one longing Love Of My Life doesn't understand at all. I feel the need for comfortable crowds of people all eating and cozily rubbing elbows. This Christmas promised joy of the deepest kind as both of my mother's sisters were going to be there celebrating with us along with my step sister's fiance and his family, my sister-in-law's sister and her family. All in all my mom was expecting 18-20 people for Christmas dinner. It was a Christmas of epic proportions and being 900 miles away and thinking I might miss it gave me the holiday blues.

Why you ask would I miss such an occasion? I'll blame it on the uncertainty of the military. Love Of My Life was deployed and scheduled to come home sometime "before Christmas". I've learned from experience that sometimes "before Christmas" can mean 4:30 a.m. Christmas Eve. Poor Love Of My Life was battered with questions about a concrete date he was coming home. I was desperate to buy plane tickets and each day I waited the prices climbed higher. I was so worried and a bit depressed that I didn't even bake cookies or decorate my home. I didn't even buy a tree... the first time in all the 6 years we've been married that I didn't buy a tree.

Then, on December 16 I got confirmation that he was coming home on the 21st. I felt the spotlight from heaven and angels singing as I rushed to search for flights home. The heavenly blessings continued to flow as I found round-trip tickets for $300 each! The normal price was around $600 so I was thrilled and ordered them right away.... we were going to get to stay for 10 days!

Little did I know that there is always a reason things are cheap.... even for plane tickets. No, it was not the inattention to detail on my part as some of you may guess. There were no hidden fees or overlooked restrictions. Even in the dead of winter it wasn't even weather trouble. It was simply a terrible airline attempting to salvage a little used route from po-dunk to metropolis with a layover in Milwaukee.

Tuesday, December 23:

Love of My Life is tired and worn from is flight back to the states two days before but he is gracious and supportive; keeping his grumbling from deflating my elation. My excitement builds as the cab arrives and steadily moves us to the airport while I munch on Rolaids like candy to calm my nervous stomach. In my enthusiasm I miss read the tickets and we are two hours earlier than necessary. Still my husband is patient as we sit and wait. He is stoically patient still, when my excitement upsets my stomach and I have to get something to eat right away and bring back bad airport subs they sell at the gate.

Our flight finally arrives and off we go to Milwaukee. I've flown in many small "connection" planes but this one was tiny. The skys were rough too.... I hope you see where this is going. I was all out of Rolaids by this point and I'm not sure they would have helped anyway. While sweating and turning green the plane finally landed and began to taxi to the gate. Love of My Life is holding my hand with silent encouragement not to revisit the bad subs from Po-Dunk Airport. It was all in vain... as we pulled into the gate I, discreetly as possible, filled the plastic-lined paper bag from the seat pocket in front of me. I felt immensely better but now had the sweats and shakes. Suddenly my joy melted into apprehension of the next leg of our journey.

We exited the plane with my little white bag and our carry-ons. Love of My Life quickly rushed to buy me a sprite as I sat down at the gate. Sitting there I looked up to the digital board to find our next gate. CANCELLED flashed in bright red next to our flight number. Sure it was snowing but it took me a minute to realize that ours was the only cancelled flight. So it wasn't the weather... everyone else was getting out. I didn't know if I was relieved or upset... both made me want to cry. (Love of My Life can tell you I'm a master at crying in the most helpful moments.... we once got a great apartment for cheap that way... but again I digress.)

Love of My Life reappeared with a sprite and once I pointed at the board he quickly went to "take care" of it. The sprite was good and helped me hold in the tears. He comes and picks up our carry-on luggage and his stoic patience is gone. In a heated but hushed tirade he informs me that he hates small planes, he is weary from traveling and being deployed, and he wants to spend Christmas at our home and in his own bed. Things were starting to unravel. Our flight was cancelled due to "Personnel Conflicts". No apology, no hotel room, nothing... only re-booked seats leaving tomorrow morning at 7:55 am with a front of snow coming in overnight. Once the stoic front broke, Love Of My Life's mind began working on how to end this awful trip - planes home, trains back to Po-Dunk, rental cars, hitchhiking... I think he might have even considered a hot air balloon.

The Holiday Inn Express desk clerks were impervious to my tears and drama about my soldier husband just returning from the Middle East two days ago and trying to get home to see family he hasn't seen in two years. While I do feel a bit bad about playing these cards (all of which are true) I was surprised that they were so unmoved by my plight. Not even a voucher for a drink at the bar.... some people have no compassion. It was an uneasy and fitful sleep that night.

Wednesday December 24:

Stay tuned.... Did Love Of My Life find a way for us to return to Po-Dunk and skip this whole messy business? Did we make to Metropolis for Christmas? Did I conquer my rebellious stomach on the next leg of our journey? Is there a happy ending? You'll find out when I get around to it. :)